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What Do I Want? I Want What I Want and I Want it Yesterday.

This post is How I feel, about me, my actions, my experiences and recent life situations I find myself in. Basically, enough about you, let’s talk about me!!!

I will do my best to make this general so as the innocent remain that way. I am also reciting this incognito, using my voice modulator 3000, which makes me sound like R2-D2, so when you read this, you can pretend you are doing the same. Better yet, have some fun and try it in a Crocodile Dundee accent or Jesse Jackson for emphasis!

Alright here goes, the past few days have become a whirlwind of emotions and false drama. By false drama, I mean real everyday events in the life of regular people are happening and the waves that they cast off in the pool of life are potential drama, depending on the perspective of the person receiving those waves and how those waves are perceived. In essence, do you have preconceived notions or are you open-minded?

To add a layer of depth to that surface statement… If you expect bad things to happen, when they do happen, then your mind will immediately go into pity/sympathy mode about how bleak things are, or how unlucky you feel and this false sense of drama begins to stew and fester, similar to algae in a stagnant pond. If you let these instances in life weigh on your psyche, confidence and daily routines, the burden can become too great. Now on the other hand, if your positive in the face of negativity and you know where your boundaries of influence lie, you can approach each situation with solid feet on the ground and strong heart and mind. This stems from inner strength, positive reinforcement and the knowledge that you try to make the correct choice when faced with decisions or crossroads. Often times, I know I have chosen the wrong path or made a choice that I later regretted. I am content to reminisce about those choices now, as I embraced my faults and the consequences of those decisions. I like to think I have learned a lot from those experiences…

Such as…

The decision to leave Ohio after living there for 12 years and more importantly having a very successful career working with my step-father who is very important to me not only as my previous boss, future business partner and husband to my mother, but as my step-father! Whereas I believe he had plans for me to take over the business in Ohio as I had worked there for over 10 years, I on the other hand could not find happiness living in Ohio. My heart, mind and soul just sagged deeply on a daily basis. I had to move to sunshine and warm weather, closer to family and friends and embrace what I wanted. It was one of the more difficult decisions I have had to make in my life and more so, the actual follow through of a face to face with my step-father and having to uproot my life and ship it 1,600 miles south to put a stake in the ground and start over from scratch, but alas, I am much more satisfied in the 3 important factors previously mentioned. Soul, Mind & Heart. Now If I could just work on a couple other pieces, this puzzle might soon be near completion!

Another part of my life that I found myself knee deep in, also happened in Ohio. I had met a girl in one of my classes at The University of Akron. I’ll never forget that first meeting. The professor asked if anyone didn’t have a book, and this striking beauty on the other side of the room raised her hand. Before our professor could finish his sentence asking if anyone would be willing to share their book with her, I had already stood up and was moving my things to be closer to her. I simply said, “Hi! My name is Sean.” And from that point on, a relationship blossomed. But just like a plant that flowers, the flowers start as a bud, bloom into a gorgeous vision and either stay that way, fall off the tree and float away forever holding the vision of a blossomed flower or it begins to wilt with the inevitable creep of rot eating away from the inside. The latter version is where I found myself after about 3 years.

The reasons are not vital to the story, and the issues have been bantered about in many previous relationships, many times over. Ultimately, instead of handling it like an adult, I disappeared and let the weight of the inevitable end, consume me with guilt and angst. I procrastinated to the point, where neither of us were happy and I felt the only choice I was left with was to figuratively chew my arm off to escape the trap I had created for our relationship. I detonated the entire relationship and burned bridges galore instead of manning up and dealing with this lady with the respect she deserved. One of my issues at the time was being so selfish and consumed with her, I couldn’t see anything else. This made it impossible at the time to clearly see other options or better paths to traverse. I learned a lot about who I was and who I wanted to be, and if it wasn’t for my poor choices, I wouldn’t have become a better, respectful, honest and caring person I am today.

Finally, another piece of information that forms some of my character today, stems from tragedy. I did a lot of growing up in the past, but not maturing, just being exposed to things that I previously was not privy to. One of those things, was death. My big brother in Phi Delta Theta fraternity passed away many years ago to a self-inflicted gun shot wound. This is a difficult thing to comprehend, even now, as my brother and friend was a good person, army ranger, faithful and loving boyfriend to a wonderful girl, son and brother and I miss him, his guidance and older brother influence he provided me, even to this day. I will never let his memory fade away. I will always value the sincerity he taught me in respecting and appreciating friends and siblings and providing guidance and support.

I also lost my cousin and friend to a completely different demon(s). Drugs, Obesity, Sleep Apnea, unhealthy lifestyle and lack of pride in himself all accounted for his untimely death. I was usually frustrated with my cousin, whom I worked with and always hated how he seemed to have no consequences for his actions and lack of care for anyone but himself. I was wrong. He cared for others, I just didn’t see it. He just didn’t care for himself, and I felt that I had opportunities to provide some positive support. (And I am consoling myself here, but I did get him going to the gym with me every once in while, or would work on listings and appointments together and try to provide some light at the end of his self inflicted tunnel) Ultimately, I feel I was too negative towards him, and could have provided more uplifting support and positive options. Deep down, I regret this lack of movement on my part and I move in the other direction now, providing positive attitude, vibes, karma, etc. I miss my cousin and friend and I hope that he knows, his caring for others is something that he instilled in me and I will continue to pass that lesson along.

Ultimately though, this blog post is not advice for others or meant to preach, but simply it is about me and how I see things that are happening around me. My heart has been awakened after a long dormant stretch and while it feels good, I want you to imagine exploring your grandfather’s garage and underneath a tarp, you find a old rusted out 1968 camaro and think this is beyond repair and pointless to even attempt to think about fixing it up. Ultimately, you do a little work, make a couple of tweaks and put some gas in the tank and low and behold the engine turns over, coughing, gasping, sputtering, but still coming alive. That is my heart these days. I find it makes me smile to hear some of the trials and tribulations that others are dealing with, not in jest at them and not in enjoying what they are dealing with, but smiling because I want to be in the mix and the issues are things I can relate to, understand, deal with, etc. The bottom line of course, is the issues, dilemmas, concerns are peripheral to a degree and they take a backseat to the person your heart longs for.

The best way to sum up this post, is to say, I guess I just want what I want!

I hope that the future brings good karma for you reading this now, the one my heart yearns for and myself as well.